Why Motherhood is Way More Draining Than You Expected + 3 Strategies For Reconnecting With Yourself

You finally have the life you wanted, so why is it crushing your soul?

You were excited to meet your baby. You imagined becoming a mom, building your family, and stepping into this next chapter of your life.

Perhaps you spend more time than you’d like lost in your own head, wondering why motherhood seems harder for you than you thought it would, leading inevitably to a frightening little question:

What the F is wrong with me?

The answer is absolutely nothing is wrong with you. It's completely natural to feel depleted, overwhelmed, frustrated, lonely, or even disappointed during this adjustment.

But those feelings can be especially painful when this is the life you wanted so badly.

We don't say this loudly or often enough, but motherhood is so much more than pregnancy, a gift registry, childbirth, and bringing home your bundle of joy.

Childbirth is only the beginning

Modern life has stripped away the village human mothers have historically relied on. We tell women how important it is to have a family, yet there are shockingly few systems in place to actually support them once the baby arrives.

It can seem like everyone's super eager to celebrate the baby while mom feels alone and forgotten.

In the midst of this whole adjustment, the overwhelming message you're getting is that motherhood is beautiful and natural and the one job you're biologically equipped to master the moment your newborn is placed in your arms.

But caring for a tiny human is a brand new skill set.

🤯 You grew a whole ass human during those 40 weeks (give or take) of pregnancy and then birthed this little person with barely any recovery time.

🤯 Your sleep cycle has shifted from a biological function that naturally occurred for 6-8 hours each night to an unpredictable treat you may or may not be allowed to indulge in for 10- to 120-minute intervals at random points throughout the day.

🤯 Friends you considered key players in your support system may not know how to show up or may send generic (even hurtful) messages, or may disappear altogether.

🤯 Your relationship with your partner has definitely changed, but who has time to even think about that?

Your life has become one round after another of the game of What Basic Need Will You Fulfill Today? You can shower, eat, or sleep, but you only have time for one! What's it gonna be? The clock is ticking . . .

Sure, help sounds awesome, but how would you even ask for it?

Sometimes you don’t even know what to ask for.

No wonder this feels like a lot. IT IS A LOT!

The good news is that feeling overwhelmed right now does not mean you’ll always feel this way.

You can begin to find moments of peace and calm even while you're a whole new level of exhausted.

You can process what’s happening inside you, reconnect with yourself, and learn how to ask for the support you actually need.

Ready for a deep dive into three strategies that will not only help you survive the challenges of the 4th trimester but also provide a toolkit for the rest of your motherhood adventure? Let’s do this!

Strategy 1: Face the feelings

When you’re already exhausted, the idea of paying more attention to uncomfortable feelings may sound like torture.

Why would you want to sit with disappointment, anger, resentment, loneliness, frustration, or sadness when you’re already pretty busy just trying to get through each day?

Well, for starters, avoiding negative emotions works for only so long. Sure, feelings naturally come and go, but they tend to intensify when your brain is frazzled from trying to get by on tiny chunks of broken sleep.

The demands of postpartum may be good at distracting you from these feelings, but they're always circling somewhere in the background.

You might notice you're reaching for your phone without even consciously deciding to. For a few minutes, scrolling IG gives your brain somewhere else to go.

But when you put your phone down, the feelings are still there. And, oh, look who's joined the party: good old guilt is banging on the door asking, "Why haven't you been more present with your baby?!?"

Here's what we're gonna do: ⤵️

Instead of immediately trying to escape what you’re feeling, practice identifying it.

You can start by asking yourself a simple question:

🔎 “What am I feeling right now?”

The answer could be . . .

• I’m disappointed

• I’m lonely

• I'm confused and shocked that this is what having a baby is like

• I’m angry that I’m doing so much

• I miss my old life

• I think becoming a mother was a mistake

• I love my baby, and I also desperately want someone else to take over for a while

Paying careful attention to these thoughts can feel scary at first. 🫣

Our brains naturally try to organize our experiences, but they also tend to pull us away from things they perceive as threatening or painful. Sometimes an uncomfortable emotion gets treated like something dangerous that needs to be avoided.

But the emotion itself isn’t a giant bear chasing you.

When you allow yourself to notice and name what’s happening, you give your brain evidence that you can experience a difficult feeling without being consumed by it.

See, brain? I admitted that I’m disappointed and frustrated today. I’m still here. I survived the feeling.

You can do this in a journal, with your partner, or with a trusted friend or family member.

Support groups can also be incredibly validating because hearing another mother say, “I’ve thought that, too,” can immediately make a complicated emotion feel less isolating.

And if you’re someone who processes by talking things through, there's even voice message coaching.

When my clients record a voice message to send me, they don’t have to package their thoughts neatly before sharing it.

They get to send the messy version, the real-life play-by-play.

Asynchronous messaging means you can talk through the thought you’re embarrassed to admit, the thing your partner said that sent you into your first episode of mom rage, or the guilt that appeared while you were feeding the baby at 3am, wishing you could be sleeping.

Getting this stuff out of your head and saying it out loud can be powerful on its own.

Then I can help you sort through what’s underneath it. Sometimes I’ll ask a question that helps you dig deeper. Other times, what you need most is simply someone reminding you that you are allowed to be human and feel exactly what you feel.

Strategy 2: Connect the dots

Your feelings may not always seem rational, but I can pretty much guarantee they make sense.

When you first realize how mentally draining motherhood feels, it can be shocking because the experience doesn’t match what you pictured when you imagined your future.

Now I'm positive you never expected life with a newborn to be nonstop fun. But you didn't know what you didn't know! Past You could not fully understand just how difficult the 4th trimester would be (Past You also may have never even heard the term '4th trimester').

🔮 You couldn’t know exactly how your body and brain would respond to night after night after night of waking to feed a baby every two hours.

🔮 You couldn’t predict how childbirth was going to go.

🔮 You couldn’t foresee what the intense emotional and hormonal shifts would mean for you.

🔮 You couldn’t prepare for the changes your relationship would face once two exhausted people were suddenly responsible for keeping a tiny human alive around the clock.

You are learning how to do something completely new that no childbirth class can fully prep you for.

Think about the first time you drove a car.

Were you instantly relaxed, confident, and amazing at it?

Probably not.

Have you ever followed a new recipe with high hopes only to realize halfway through that you dumped in the flour when you should've added the sugar?

Ever gone on a first date?

Ever watched someone do something effortlessly online and then tried it yourself only to think, “Why is this so much harder for me than for them?” 😖

Despite what you've seen, read, or heard, every mom has been there.

Motherhood is basically lessons in New Things That No One Masters and Are Constantly Changing.

Here's a taste of what to expect from the syllabus:

(Don't worry, there are no pop quizzes or grades . . . or breaks for that matter.)

🍼 Feeding 🍼

May include:

• exclusively breastfeeding (at least every couple of hours)

• pumping and stocking up (you know, in your free time when your newborn isn't literally attached to your chest)

• pumping so your partner or baby's grandparent can help by bottle feeding

• pumping to increase milk production (which may or may not be effective)

• supplementing with formula

• feeding with 100% formula

TRUTH: Fed is best, but that doesn't mean people you've never met won't judge you on the internet or in real life. 🙄

📌(Fun fact: If I had to do it over again, I'd definitely give up on breastfeeding sooner than I did because It. Was. Not. Working. But I wanted an A+ and had learned from all the books that anyone can do it if they just try hard enough! Do you see why I ended up supporting moms for a living?) Moving on . . .

💤 Sleeping 💤

Could entail:

• baby taking naps that last anywhere from five minutes to two hours

• the classic newborn move - "getting their days and nights mixed up"

• both you and baby nodding off while nursing

• infant refusing to sleep anywhere except in your arms or in the carseat or swing or on their stomach even though you're terrified of SIDS

• you resting your eyes briefly at random times during the day

📌 Pro tip: If there is any way at all you and your partner can each get at least a four-hour chunk of sleep, please, PLEASE do it (a postpartum doula is the ultimate gift for new parents, but if that isn’t your reality, try taking turns or accepting the support of a family member who's really excited to help). You'd be surprised how restorative four hours of sleep is after only getting bits and pieces here and there for days. No, it isn't sustainable, but it will protect your mental health until your baby starts sleeping for longer stretches.

💩 Changing diapers 💩

Often involves . . .

• keeping a tally of the number of wet and poopy diapers you're changing (who knew your baby's pediatrician would ask you to take notes and do math at a time like this?!?)

• arguing with your partner about whether or not the weird color, consistency, or texture of the excrement that came out of your baby means something is very wrong

• discovering the truth behind such claims as "leakproof," "reliable," and "extra-absorbent" (looking at you, Huggies)

• trying to avoid thinking about how you'll be dealing with this for 2-3 years at least

👶🏼 Soothing 👶🏼

Likely comprises . . .

• making up silly songs (not one of the 5 S's but can be pretty damn effective)

• wearing your baby (I still have nightmares about the Moby wrap 😤)

• swaddling (thank goodness for velcro! I'll never understand how nurses get that blanket to stick together like that without it)

• attempting to rationalize with your infant who has no idea what you're saying because they haven't mastered language, or anything at all, yet.

🚙 Preparing to leave the house for the first time with your baby 🚙

Possibly involves . . .

• packing a diaper bag as if you are fleeing your home forever due to the impending zombie apocalypse

• asking yourself why oh why these "convenient" carseats that are also carriers have to weigh 27 tons

• talking yourself out of going anywhere due to brain. just. can't. maybe. ever.

🫠 *Actually* leaving the house for the first time with your baby

Definitely consists of at least two of the following . . .

• forgetting the whole damn expertly packed diaper bag

• being excited to finally use that high end stroller you're sure you can figure out once you're wherever you're going (where was that again?)

• feeling 100% certain that you'll be the first mom in the history of the world who will not survive a Target run with a baby

🧐 Interpreting all your infant's weird sounds 🧐

Crying gets all the (well-deserved) attention, but no one warns you about the bizarre grunts that will come out of your newborn. I mean, this sweet bundle of joy finally goes to sleep only to keep you awake wondering if your baby's noises are choking, reflux, gas, snoring, or something your tiny genius is the first human to ever express.

🫪 Recovering from childbirth 🫪

Let's just say your first few days post-birth probably did not look like this.

🥸 Solving everyone's identity crisis 🥸

You’ll likely ask yourself one or more of the following questions at some point:

1. "Is my partner jealous of the baby?"

2. "Will my marriage/relationship/friendship ever be the same again?"

3. "Is my dog depressed because he's having to share us with the baby?"

4. "How do I tell my mom it's hurtful when she criticizes my choices?"

5. "When will I feel like myself again?"

(answer key: 1. probably but is not aware of it, 2. no, 3. unlikely, 4. by pushing through the fear and using those exact words, 5. never, my friend, because that woman has been reborn as a complex badass)

😵‍💫 Doing all of the above while extremely sleep deprived 😵‍💫

📌 You’re not repeating one familiar task until you master it. You're figuring out A LOT of things at the same time, and the minute you think, "Hmm, maybe I am getting the hang of this!" your baby's rapidly developing brain says, "Love that for you, now watch THIS!"

When you begin connecting those dots, your emotional response becomes much easier to understand.

Instead of:

‼️ Why can’t I handle this?

You can begin thinking:

✅ Of course I’m overwhelmed!

I’m recovering from growing and birthing a human being, learning a gazillion new things, adjusting to an entirely new identity, running on a sleep deficit, and carrying an enormous amount of responsibility.

🎯 THIS IS WHAT HANDLING IT LOOKS LIKE. 🎯

Ahh, self-compassion, it’s about time you showed up!

One of my favorite parts of working with new moms is getting to reflect their strengths back to them.

When you’re stuck inside your own exhausted brain, you may only see the stuff you think you’re doing wrong, but I get to remind you of the parts you don't have the bandwidth to notice.

For example:

🌟 Every time you look at, smile at, talk to, sing to, pick up, or read to your baby, you're bonding.

🌟 How hard you’re trying to understand what this tiny creature needs.

🌟 That worrying whether you're "doing it right" is evidence of how deeply you care for your newborn.

🌟 The fact that you keep showing up and learning how to do all the things you've never done before.

📌 Sometimes you need another person to help you connect the dots before you can do it yourself, and that's totally ok.

Strategy 3: Neutralize the emotion

Once you’ve acknowledged the feelings and started making sense of this emotional sh*t storm, the next step is to stop allowing it all to mean so much.

This step is often the hardest part, especially if you're a highly sensitive person, because your nervous system is completely overtaxed.

The human brain doesn't like uncomfortable feelings and interprets just about anything that isn't easy as a threat. Your brain is going to choose simple over complex every single time even if it has to oversimplify with self-sabotage.

It goes something like this . . .

💡 You identify what you're feeling as frustration (a totally natural response, BTW)

🧠 Your brain shouts, "Good moms don't get frustrated!"

🫠 You desperately need a break from the sights, sounds, and smells of postpartum life (because OF COURSE YOU DO)

🧠 Your brain whispers, "Maybe I’m not cut out for this."

😓 You understandably find yourself missing the freedom of your pre-baby life.

🧠 Your brain reacts with, "Oh no, having a baby was a horrible mistake!"

😭 You’re exhausted by the life you always imagined (P.S. Your imagination is no match for reality. Also, your imagination was fed a load of BS from the patriarchy, but I digress.)

🧠 Your brain overcorrects with, "This obviously means I'm nuts."

The feelings are confusing and painful enough.

The meaning you attach to them leads to the shame spiral.

Repeat after me:

👉🏻 Feeling wiped out does not mean I’m a bad mother.

👉🏻 Feeling disappointed by the surprises of the fourth trimester does not mean I regret having my baby.

👉🏻 Wanting space never means I don’t love my child.

👉🏻 Missing my old life doesn't equal wanting to trade it for my current one (I mean, sometimes you'll fantasize about it, but that's natural.)

👉🏻 I can be physically and emotionally depleted without deciding my exhaustion means I’m morally bankrupt and should not be a mom.

You can admit:

I don’t love this part.

And still remain open to a moment of joy at the same time.

Both can exist at the same time.

You can be frustrated during a 2 a.m. feeding and melt when your baby curls their tiny fingers around yours.

You can cry because you desperately need an hour alone and then miss your baby when someone finally takes them for a walk.

Human beings are complicated, and so is motherhood.

You do not need to force your feelings into categories of “good” or “bad.” Sometimes a feeling is simply data that needs to be processed.

This is another place where voice message support can be especially helpful.

When a difficult feeling hits, you don’t have to remember everything you’ve ever learned about coping while you’re overwhelmed.

We can work through these moments as they happen.

Sometimes hearing a reminder like, “This feeling doesn’t have to mean what you're telling yourself it means,” is exactly what you need to feel grounded.

You might be reading all of this and thinking:

I have a healthy baby. This is what I wanted. Shouldn’t I just be grateful?

I have no doubt you're grateful.

You're also sleep-deprived.

You adore your baby.

You also really miss having time to yourself.

You recognize how incredibly lucky you are.

You're also blindsided by the loneliness of motherhood.

Gratitude doesn’t require pretending.

In fact, scolding yourself for feeling the exact way most moms feel but never talk about just adds a layer of shame!

If motherhood has drained you more than you ever expected it to, start with these three steps:

1. Confront your feelings

Instead of immediately trying to distract yourself from uncomfortable emotions or jumping to conclusions about what they mean, try naming them and simply allowing yourself to sit with them.

2. Consider the weight of this adjustment

Look at how hard your brain and body are working and give yourself the same compassion you would offer anyone practicing something new for the first time.

3. Disarm the emotion's power over you

Just notice each emotion come and go instead of giving them the power of deciding what kind of mother you are.

One of my recent clients, let's call her Melanie (when folks trust me at the most vulnerable time in their life, I take their privacy seriously), has been putting this strategy to work.

Throughout our month together, she began practicing mindfulness and learning to notice what she was feeling instead of immediately getting swept away by it.

She built coping tools she could reach for when things felt overwhelming, and she started reconnecting with herself instead of feeling completely consumed by motherhood.

She developed the language to express her thoughts and feelings to her partner and support system so they finally understood what she actually needed.

The goal wasn’t to make every exhausting part of motherhood disappear. It was to help her feel more grounded while moving through the experience.

✨That’s possible for you, too.✨

You don’t need to wait until your baby sleeps through the night, your schedule gets easier, or your life magically becomes the version you imagined before your baby arrived.

You can start having more calm, self-compassion, and peace right where you are.

Want help sorting through all of this?

You don’t need another influencer telling you what you should be doing.

You need a shame-free zone where you get to say what’s actually going through your head and receive an expert response from a *human* maternal mental health specialist who has survived motherhood herself (so far 🤞🏻) and knows you can, too (even if you don't believe it right now).

A month of voice message support with yours truly gives you space to process the messy thoughts and complicated emotions of motherhood as they’re happening, make sense of them, and move forward with self-compassion and calm.

Let’s close the gap between where you are . . . and where you actually want to be.

Click here to choose your start date for your month of voice message support.